Last Post
It's been a couple of weeks since I last posted.

I have thought about this a lot and I've decided that I am going to stop blogging. This will be my last post. It's been good, refreshing, inspiring, thought-provoking, and a help mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Thank you for your input into my life, and for sharing this experience with me.

- posted by Emily @ 5:59 PM

 
Long Weekend.
It's been a long weekend… and it's good to be home. Actually, all of last week was very busy and the next few coming are just as full.

Highlights:
- We went to Nelson as friends of ours were getting married and I did all the photography. It was a medieval wedding so it was very beautiful and romantic. It was very overcast outside and very windy, which made all the girls' dresses flow and look elegant and mystical in the wind. Lots of work, though, as all weddings are. I think it came to about 11 hours from the beginning shoot to the end. Not the longest wedding I've done, but an intense and hard 11 hours anyway. I put my back out lifting so much and I've been in a lot of pain since. I went to the chiropractor this morning and have another appointment later this week.

- I had a few other shoots too. A portrait and a newborn shoot. I am anxious to get all these films back. I sent off almost 25 rolls this morning. There must be a few killer pictures in there. I've been thinking about looking around for some contests to enter. Even if I don't win for a few years, I'll at least have a chance (some of the prizes are thousands of dollars) and I'll get my name in there and compete against really top class photographers.

- Jamie and I are going to see Napoleon Dynamite tomorrow. Jamie got free pre-release screening tickets so we're going to Vancouver tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it.

I've been think a lot lately. Lots of little thoughts that I always think would make great posts but when I actually get to it I forget them all. Here's a few anyway…

- I need to think "happy thoughts. First: Stop thinking bad thoughts. I've never thought of myself as having a problem with gossip or saying mean thing to or about a person, but I think that I do now. It just came up suddenly or God is finally convicting me of it, or I am finally listening. I have learned that sad, but true, it's probably the latter. Anyway, I need to stop saying mean things about people. This, for some reason, has actually provoked me to pray a lot more, especially for people that I don't particularly like. Prayer is always a good thing!

I've signed up for counselling at the Seven Oaks Alliance Church. I think that just the process of signing up and going to the first few appointments straightens you out a bit. I mean, it was me that decided to go, but still, it hurts the pride a bit. Also, I think I scared my counsellor off a bit when I talked to her about healings and prophecy. I realized after that it's an Alliance Church. I've been going to a very charismatic church for way too many years now. Now she thinks I'm even crazier than I am!

I have another appointment tomorrow morning. To be honest, I'm not looking forward to it. I guess now that I know what she believes in regards to my comments about healing and prophecy, I am nervous that she is thinking I'm weird. I am determined to make something out of it though. Even already I think it's helped me. She only said one little thing last week as a side comment that stuck with me and has really made me think. It is this:

I am a very organized person. I like control and order. People who are not like this make me angry. Beyond angry even. I can feel the anger rising inside of me even as I type "People who are not like this…" It's over the top of how much it bothers me, and I'm well aware of it, but I just can't get over it. Anyway, she just said, "what is the benefit to being so controlled" and I couldn’t think of an answer. No matter how organized and together I am, it doesn't change anyone around me. I made a subconscious pro/con list in my head and it occurred to me that there are really no pros to being so uptight and together, but a huge list of cons. I've tried to keep this in my mind lately and I think it's helped.

I even drive slower! And don't yell at people any more!

Good signs already.

So I think that it will be good.

Anyway, I had a LONG weekend. I'll write more later… in a day or two.


- posted by Emily @ 11:26 PM

 
Date week
Things have been pretty busy lately. This coming week is hectic too. We have a friend visiting from Summerland and he came down because our friend Rigel had a CD release party for Crashsite's new CD In the Earth. It was a lot of fun. Weeks of work went into it and now it's over... but it was worth it. The guys rocked.

I have a few shoots coming up next week. One newborn, one portrait, and then on the weekend a medievil wedding in Nelson, BC.

Jamie and I have been focusing on the "romance" part of our relationship for the past few days and intend on making it a "week of love" as he calls it. It's been great so far. I think it's an awesome thing to do every once in awhile. Not that it is not romantic during the "normal" life, it's just important to make it special and make it an event every once in awhile. Usually a date night now and then is really great, so of course I was thrilled when he suggested to do a while week! I have a great husband!

The other day he had a whole day set up of things for us to do. We even went to the dock in a park where we "fell in love". Here's a picture of us on the dock two and a half years later...



We also went to watch Troy. It was really good. Good effects, good story, good acting (well, Brad Pitt was good anyway.)

We have company over here now so I can't write much...

- posted by Emily @ 10:43 PM

 

We got our car back the other day. So nice to have it all fixed up again! Jamie bought a digital camera last night for his birthday (early birthday present... he couldn't wait) So we'll be able to post little things like this so much easier now. I'm really excited about it. This picture is just an excuse to get some use out of it as there is nothing more exciting to photograph right now...

- posted by Emily @ 10:53 AM

 
Here's my latest...


- posted by Emily @ 9:24 AM

 
A Revelation
Well, Jamie stole my post idea for today...

I guess I will post on it as it was my original revelation :)

Last night at Thursday Group Rebecca was saying something about God give us the desires of our hearts. It's been a scripture that I've never understood fully. My thinking was why would God give us the desires of our hearts? I don't know why it was hard for me to understand, it just was.

This has been an issue for me as it is my very strong desire to have a child. Would God grant that desire? Just because we desire something does it mean he'll give it to us?

Rebecca said last night, "God gives us the desires of our hearts because he puts them there." She almost whispered that part and I think only by God's grace that I heard it. It clicked. God gives us the desires because he puts them there. He wants us the desire things. That's what makes it part of our calling. I am meant to be a mother. It is a desire of mine and God will honor that because it's His desire too!

That was actually the second part of my revelation last night. This is not the part that Jamie commented on. But- I have to run. I'll comment on that later...

- posted by Emily @ 12:18 PM

 
Jamie the Monk
I made this robe for Jamie. He is the MC at a medieval wedding next week so I thought he should be dressed up. The outfit is not totally completed... we have to change a few of the accessories... but overall so far I think he looks great!







- posted by Emily @ 11:05 AM

 
A change
I got my hair done last night. This picture doesn't really make it look very good, but I thought I'd share it with you anyway... just for something to do...

I've gone in the last few times and wanted something dramatic but the brown would never stick very well... so this time we made sure it would. It is a deep, dark rich chocolate brown with platinum blonde chunks.

Jamie likes me better blonde. Actually, everyone I know does. I like it dark though sometimes.

They'll get used to it.


- posted by Emily @ 11:01 AM

 
Updates...
I was just getting back into my blogging routine and then my aunt and her husband and baby (she went to Scotland and came back with a family) and her in-laws and my grandparents from Manitoba are all visiting right now. I have taken a little time off work to be here and hang out with them. This morning we did some pictures of the baby. I think we got some neat stuff. I can't wait to get them back.

It's been great to have everyone. My mom's house is pretty full right now, but I love it that way.

Anyway, I just wanted to post one quick little story...

At group last week we were doing a little more "bible study" than we normally do. We had some verses to read out and we were all trying to find them in our own bibles to follow along.

I noticed one of the new Christians in our group trying to find the page, and I was just about to ask if he needed help when he said loudly, "I can't find it in here. Isn't this book alphabetical?" I didn't laugh, actually nobody did. Instead, one of the people in the group leaned over and showed him the table of contents and explained a bit how it is laid out.

Isn't that neat? It reminded me of The Best Christmas Story Ever. One of the best books I've ever read.

Anyway, just thought I'd share that.

Company's leaving Wednesday. I'll be posting more then.

- posted by Emily @ 2:30 PM

 
Vows to God and Me.
In light of my new change inside and my spiritual breakthrough, I feel like it’s time for me to renew/rewrite my vows and remind myself of the promises that God has made to me.

My vows to God:

I will always love you.
I will be honest and not hide from you.
I will listen constantly for your voice.
I will obey and respect you always.
I will come to you when I have decisions to make instead of doing it on my own.
I will come to you when I have stress and you will take my load.
I will love you when I am rich, and when I am poor.
I will love you when I am healthy and when I am sick.
I will love you even when I am confused and do not understand your ways.
I will make time just for the two of us to talk.
I will trust that you have everything in control.
That you will provide and protect me.
I want to understand you more. Ask you questions and hang out with you.
I want to feel the peace inside that only you can bring.
I have tried to do things on my own for a very long time and I am ready to end that pattern and ask you for help instead.
You have to speak to me loudly because I have forgotten what your voice sounds like and often it just drowned out by all of the other noises in my life.
You’ll have to be patient with me. I’m coming back from the dead.
The spiritual dead.
But I want it.
It will be hard, but it’s good.
You’re good and I love you.
I want to spend the rest of my life with you.


God’s vows to me:

I know everything about you, and that’s why I am perfect for you.
I will always help you.
I never sleep or turn away from you. I am here for you always.
I promise to provide for you.
I know your desires and I desire to give them to you.
I promise to be there waiting any time you want to talk to me.
When you talk to me I will understand what you are saying. I will always know what to do. I always have the perfect solutions.
I promise to never leave you.
I will protect you. I will be your shield, your shelter and your strong fortress.
I will never hurt you.
I have only the very best in mind for you, and I want to see you fulfill it.
Sometimes if I am pushing you it’s only because you’ve strayed off your path. I know what I’m doing.
Trust me.
I never have false motives.
My love is pure.
I am not envious or self-seeking.
Everything I do is for you. You are special to me. That’s why I made you.
You have a purpose. I made it that way.
Continually seek me and I will show you another piece of it, one step at a time.
To do that though, you have to seek me. That’s all I ask.
But even if you don’t. Even if you do not come to me for the rest of your life. Even if you turn against me.
I will never turn away from you.
I will never forget you.
I will only always love you.


- posted by Emily @ 8:57 AM

 
Thoughts and revelations
Our friend Joe came down from Nelson last night to spend the week with us. Last night Jamie was busy so Joe and I went for a drive for a few hours. It was so awesome. Things are really changing in me. I haven’t been writing lately because things are just so overwhelming and I don’t know how to articulate the change in my heart.

First of all, I need to explain something. Read here and here for the more detailed versions (on my husband’s blog) but basically what happened was that a friend of ours happened to be at a church in Langley two Sundays ago when a Graham Cooke was there and he gave a word over that church. Part of it was that the church would have a great healing gift… specifically with infertile couples. When Jamie and I heard this we couldn’t wait to get to Langley the next Sunday. We showed up and we were so excited. We talked to the pastor first and said that we had heard that they heal infertile couples so we came. I think that got him excited and later he had the church pray for us.

Two ladies prayed for us the most. It was great. At one point both of them said, “Wow- did you feel that?” They both said that they felt what seemed like a baby kick from the exact spot in my abdomen where my pain is. Anyway, they prayed for healing and also that we would conceive a child.

That afternoon I had to work and I usually take at least a bunch of Motrin, sometimes T3, sometimes I need my meds that are even more potent than T3 to get through. The last four days I haven’t taken anything! I haven’t had any pain!

Whether or not my uterus has returned to a normal shape and all the other problems have changed, I don’t know. Maybe. I believe they could. I just don’t know if that’s what God wants right now. All I’m saying is that the chronic pain I have lived with for over a year now is gone.

I always knew that this problem of ours is linked to me. For some reason I knew that in my heart the day we started to hear all the problems that we have and all the reasons we can’t have children. At first I went through the shock of it all. It’s very hard emotionally to deal with that. Anyway, immediately after that I began to think, ok, this is about me. What lesson do I have to learn? Show me, I’ll learn it and we can move on. Looking back I realize that that’s the whole point! My reaction is the lesson!

A few weeks ago Jamie and I went to a marriage retreat. In the weeks prior I began to do some self-evaluation (as I think anyone would. Wondering what issues we have in our lives. Afraid of the issues that might come up.) The one thing that came up for me was my control. I think I have spoken a bit about that before. Control is something that I’ve always had in my life. It has protected me. It puts a shield around me.

I can always control things. I can change situations by the way I can talk, or manipulate the situation. I can come up with compromises and I believe(d) that no no meant no. It meant that there was room to change it.

I can’t manipulate God though. Trust me on this one. I tried everything.
That really scared me… Something that I’m not in control of. It has made me grab onto everything around me and control it to a degree that even I find ridiculous. To feel like I have some sense of control I need every done exactly my way. I’ll ask Jamie to turn off the light in the kitchen because I can’t live with it turned on. Things have to be done in the right order because it’s the order that I need it to be done it. I’m grabbing on to pointless things – just anything that can be controlled will be controlled now.

Lately I have come to realize that maybe it’s not so much a lesson that God wants to teach me but that he wants to break something in me. I decided that God didn’t want me to be stressed out. He didn’t like my control issues, and he wanted to be at peace.

The thing is that I want to be at peace. I think there is something inside of all women like that. A gracefulness, a peacefulness – like their spirit is at rest. I long to be that way. Once in awhile I will find someone who has that. Not necessarily that they are very quiet and shy people, but that something in them is at rest. That’s the only way I know how to describe it. I can only really tell when they go to pray for me and put their hands on me. I can feel it through that. It’s comforting and I feel like I never want them to leave me.

But I know I don’t have that (yet). And so, a month or two ago I was determined to be at peace. You can read my blogs back a month ago or so. I was determined that, when things came up that were stressful, I’d just take a slow deep breath and say, God help me, and move on.

It was only last night when Joe and I were talking that all of a sudden these thoughts and memories came to me. It’s even more severe that I could have imagined. In the beginning I tried to make a business deal with God. Ok, I’ll learn a lesson and you’ll heal me and we’ll move on. Good. And then I thought, Ok, you want peace, here it is.

But you can’t create peace! I remember watching a documentary with Goldie Hawn years ago and she was talking about Internal Peace and she was in Africa trying to find it. If she didn’t find it there she would keep on traveling until she found it – like it was a person or some touchable object.

I knew peace wasn’t a physical object, but I still tried to force it to happen. Peace won’t be forced. That’s the dilemma with it. It seems like it happens when you finally give up searching for it. What I need and what I am longing for is real peace. My spirit has not been at rest for years. It wants to love God, praise God.

But how. That’s what I’ve come to. I need to give up my control to God and in turns I feel peace inside. But how do I give up my control? Is it really as simple as

Ok God,
I don’t want it anymore
Control has had control on my life for too long
Change me
I want to be someone who is in tune with you
I want to live slower and enjoy it more
I want to respect that you know what’s going on and above all, know what’s best more me. Far more than I know.
I want to pray continuously
Live a life of true worship
Love you, think about you, trust you
Stress has made knots in my stomach.
It has destroyed me internally, in so many ways
I worry and I live anxiously
I want you to speak to me, and I would understand clearly
I want you to speak to me and speak through me to others who can’t hear you
I want to love you passionately
I don’t want to live this way anymore
It hasn’t worked for me
I’m ready to try your way now
Speak to me loudly at first
Shout so that I can hear it
My hearing is not that great right now
I know eventually it will get better again
Help me understand fully what I need to change in my life and how
Send more people like Joe to help me come to these places of revelations.
Forgive for taking so long to come to this place
Thank you for staying close to me. I could always feel you there
I just wanted to try my way first
It didn’t work though
I want to try your way now.


- posted by Emily @ 10:06 AM

 
Special(ist) day
Today I saw my specialist after almost 6 months of waiting. I guess it was good. We are booking another surgery. It's somewhat "experimental" as she put it, as she and colleagues all over North America have only come across about 5 other women with this problem. Lucky me. I seem to win every bad luck lottery. I certainly blow Rigel out of the water. (I don't want to hear any complaining anymore Rigel!)

So another surgery to fix what they don't understand. Sounds promising.

I was driving home all by myself (Jamie couldn't get the time off work) and I began to cry a bit as I was thinking about it. Let me back up a bit. As I was getting my stuff ready to leave my dads I noticed that he has put a little bag for me by my purse called Emily's Cranberries. I guess it's a little snack with chocolate covered cranberries and he thought of me. On my way down to the car it reminded me that I had brought one of my favorite CDs (the Cranberries). I put it on and began to drive. Then, a little while later as I was reflecting on my situation and the appointment I began to cry a bit. Just then I realized that he song was on "Twister".

The chorus just pretty much repeats "You're going to have to hold on, you're going to have to hold on, you're going to have to hold on (etc.) to me-e-e-e-e-e-ee-e-e-..."

I felt like God was speaking directly to me. Like I need to be strong now and He'll help me be strong. He's helped me through it this far. He's not going to let me down now.

Well, besides my discouraging thoughts of the fact that I might not ever have a "naturally born" child, I felt hope. Hope is a funny thing. Hope is the feeling deep down inside of you that after everything goes wrong and you think it can't get any worse, God whispers to you. Hope sort of makes you tickle inside. Like someone blowing on your cold skin. In one short instance just a little bit of hope can fill you up, give you a new strength and a new internal will power to overcome. Like everything is not hopeless anymore.

God can do all that with one whisper. That gives me hope.

- posted by Emily @ 4:20 PM

 
History Lesson


This was me in Kindergarten. Thought since I was bringing up the past I might as well share this.

Things haven't changed much.













- posted by Emily @ 12:27 AM

 
Meant to be...
Coincidence?

My mom was looking though old albums the other day and found this old one. I was a creative kid... always making myself new "friends" and toys. One of my best friends, seen here, I named Jamie. Funny.

I edited the picture a bit. Unfortunately the one picture in the entire album that I wanted to use and it was of me and my very worst. I saved you a lot of painful 80s memories. Trust me.

Nevertheless, I wanted to share with you my little friend. I just thought it was cute.









- posted by Emily @ 12:20 AM

 
Faeryland


If I could be anyone, this is who I'd be.



Come faeries, take me out of this dull world, for I would ride with you upon the wind and dance upon the mountains like a flame.

-W.B. Yeats








- posted by Emily @ 9:29 PM

 
This is very me



























- posted by Emily @ 9:25 PM

 
Easter Monday
My boss is back from maternity leave and my first shift back with her I have to call in sick. On Easter. Great. I've been up since 3:00 this morning throwing up.

I feel so gross. Must have caught a flu or ate something bad yesterday.

- posted by Emily @ 9:11 AM

 
Happy Easter
It is so hard to start blogging again. It's been just over a week now since my last post. I guess I was inspired by Jonathan's blogger rest.

Many things have happened this week. Good and bad. Seems like God always out weighs the bad though.

Highlights:

- Jamie's parents two month old $500,000 home burned down.

- First murder of 2004 for Chilliwack (50-year old man stabbed to death)

- Driving down highway and see a dead body on the other side (hit by a truck)

- Jamie's Grandma's friend heard from God to give us $500.00

- My dad called to say we are getting more furniture (armoire and a Persian rug)

- The receptionist from the doctor called and said I have an appointment for April 22 (been on the waiting list for 6 months now)

- One of the wedding contracts I had turned out great and I'm so proud of it

- Jamie's Syberia II video game finally came in (after they cancelled it's release for October) and he traded some old games in so it only cost $10.00

- My work called and they needed me to cover a few extra shifts (extra $$$)

- Crashsite's CD was released!
- Company taking responsibility for mistake on CD :)

- God has encouraged me to have a positive attitude on life and is giving me grace and help to be happy and enjoy life despite pain

- God has encouraged Jamie and I to be diligent about paying off our debts quickly. He has taken away our discouragement and already has given us money to start paying it off

- We are having some baptisms at Thursday Group tonight.

- GST cheques came today (more $$$)

Good is good.


- posted by Emily @ 3:28 PM

 
Prayer
To me lately prayer has seemed hopeless. I wonder what the point of prayer is. Sure, the initial prayer... but does it make a difference praying the same thing over and over again. If God doesn't answer the first prayer will the repetition of prayers change his mind? Or once the prayer is said can we leave it to God to answer any time he is ready? The last is more how I feel right now. I have prayed my prayers. I feel like I'll just wait for God to answer them. I don't feel like it makes a big difference praying over and over again. Maybe it does. Probably. I just don't understand it.

I pray for healing. What use is it to pray for healing every day? God knows I want to be healed. If he hasn't healed me isn't that just his way or saying no or not yet? Will praying more make him change his mind? It doesn't seem like God is like that.

I have felt discouraged lately and so I have decided to take a week or two off blogging. I feel like it's useless what I write right now anyway. I'd rather spare my readers the boring events and errands that occur in my day. I need to take a little while off and clear my mind a little more.

So, that's all that needs to be said. Come back in a few weeks.

- posted by Emily @ 10:42 AM

 
Summerland
Jamie and I went to Summerland this last weekend. We had a lot of fun visiting friends, going in the hot tub, shopping etc. We got home yesterday early evening and rented Secondhand Lions. I really enjoyed it. It was a great movie.

Anyway, it's Monday so I'm off to work. I get my review today but it must be good because my raise is already effective. That's about it. Dinner with friends tonight. No time to write anything profound, or even if I had the time I doubt I'd come up with anything anyway. Just thought I'd check in.

- posted by Emily @ 11:52 AM

 
Thursday Group Technology
I can't believe Tuesday was my last post! This week has really been a blur to me. I have been not feeling too well again. Got some more prayer last night. It feels a bit like medicine. Like I have to take lots and get all stocked up on it to last me through the week. I don't know if that's how God intended it to be, but it seems like I don't have the energy or the faith to do it for myself. We have wonderful friends, though, who God really speaks through and really touched me last night. It was great.

Last night was a little bizarre here at group. We had George visit us from Pittsburg, even though he was still at his house. We set up the mic and the webcam in the living room and them we could see him and he could see us and talk to us at group. Really weird. But cool. It was great. I felt so technical. I'm sure in twenty years when I tell my children or grandchildren this story they will roll their eyes and think how silly it is because I'm sure by then you will be able to transport or something weird like that.

Anyway, it was fun.

Jamie and I are going away for the weekend. Up to visit our friends Steve and Rob in Summerland.

I guess that's about it for now.

- posted by Emily @ 11:38 AM

 
Me and Abby










- posted by Emily @ 4:53 PM

 
Me and Abby









- posted by Emily @ 3:05 PM

 
Where we live
Jamie and I spent the day driving around taking pictures of where we live. He has his own domain and hosting on his website so he can host them there. Click here to see them.

- posted by Emily @ 10:36 AM

 
Jamie and Em
Here are some pictures of Jamie and me from the weekend.












- posted by Emily @ 10:29 AM